Thursday, January 04, 2007

Falling Down

What if I pretended to be another person, and decided "normally"*? I would have written my blog entry for the new year like this:

Am writing this while most of my team is asleep. Even with the food in abundance, my stomach burns with acid - a testament to stress-induced gastritis. It is as though my repressed feelings to leave this place is literally trying to reflux its way out of my mouth.

While things have changed, I still can't shake this feeling of sadness. I thought the three bottles of San Mig Light would help me forget the events of the past year. I am still wondering why, even after all the hard work we do for our patients in this hospital, some colleagues are so filled with themselves that they decide to play politics.

This year I hope that, with the departure of the Chairman that supported this Department and its residents so much, the politics would be kept to a minimum. However there is no saying how the messianic complexes would adapt to the new status quo.

My other significant relationships have suffered so much this year. Not just because of distance issues, but because I could not sufficiently keep a pleasant demeanor to accompany my voice. I have sacrificed a lot and I would think all the time if it had all been worth it.

I have "resigned" to my fate in the world. Because of my decisions, I am destined for a life in the most stressful, and because of the widespread ignorance of its existence, least appreciated medical specialty. All while working under a society that values cellphones, showbiz and politics more than the maintenance of their own health.

I hope 2007 doesn't overwhelm me with all the "what-if's": What if I took the courage to admit that this sadness wasn't just something that will go away when I get to the second year? What if I just grit my teeth, take all the crap, and wait it out?


Well, that WAS cathartic... Now I imagine Falling Down happening in Ermita, Manila: (dialogue from the movie)

Annoying Man at Phone Booth: Excuse me... Hey, EXCUSE ME. I don't know if you have noticed it or not, but there are other people waiting to use the phone here.
Bill Foster: There are?
Annoying Man at Phone Booth: Yeah.
Bill Foster: There's other people who want to use the phone?
Annoying Man at Phone Booth: That's right, you selfish asshole.
Bill Foster: Well, that's too bad. Because you know what?
[firing a machine gun into the phone booth]
Bill Foster: I think it's out of order.

But, no, I think my "rash, irrational" decision to take a leave has kept my sanity intact... at least for now.

Moral of the story: Chabudai Gaeshi
Don't like what's for dinner. Upend the table and get a new dinner made. - Eiji Aonuma, attributed to Shigeru Miyamoto

* NB: "normally" - decisions made by a medical doctor who realizes that he/she is too old to do something else, and puts his/her career on the backburner so that he/she can salvage a social life. You see, if you are going to social events, you better have a damn good answer to "What do you do?" if you are going to nail some chicks.

Or, you can use your skills learned as a resident in Surgery. Go figure.

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